What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 06:17
Im still living with it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
How do you respond to "I don't like you anymore"?
But it wasn’t much.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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She loved him until the end.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What are some common examples of condescending behavior?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It was going to be , some day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What does it mean when someone says "I'm feeling frisky"?
Ive learnt so much.
Would this be the day?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Do guys prefer big boobs or small boobs? Why?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
How do I become an intelligent man?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But ive been too sick for many years..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What toxic behavior has been normalized by society?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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I was scared of men, in general
She married twice! .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She found it foreign!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I think the readers, may guess!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When she asked me how she looked .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was in good health!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I will be 64.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I waited trembling.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But, we were locked up after school.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i lived it daily.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I write beautiful poetry .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Who then, do I blame.?
This is soul school!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Put me off passion for life!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was very sick at this time too.
I don,t even have a pension.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why did i forgive my father ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was seconnd youngest,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I said to her
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What did i know ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He knew the spot.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I have no regrets .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My life is so biszare .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was 9 years of age.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were not on the streets..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot live in the past .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She wouldn,t have been !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So, i spoilt her more .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So whats the point in blame.